The Lost Time

Blog Readers,

Taking a break from sharing my audio format to share something I wrote in my journal a few days ago. This blog was never about producing content but only sharing when I felt I had something to say, when God prompted me to share.  This is one such entry.  I hope you've been enjoying the audio content but am heart I feel I am a writer, not of books but of spiritual thoughts and journey-sharing.  I hope this connects with your journey...

It has been months since I have sat down to write.  I wonder why I've been avoiding it.  Just to start this entry makes me feel a little raw--like things I don't want to face might come slinking out.  God started us on this journey of trusting Him about this time last year.  It's hard to describe how you can be the same person yet a completely different person to those that haven't experienced the upheaval of changing your whole life willingly yet afraid. 

Right now is the lost time.  

The time where I am trying to figure out the why and how.  I did the what, when, and where--but I've come to understand that the whole of our life is being in a constant state of figuring out your bearings in regards to these questions.  I feel settled when I think I know the answers to all five.  The why and the how in life are the big ones.  The other three anchor you but questions of purpose and function allow you to fly. 

I've been though so many tears, doubts, restlessness that a big part of me doesn't want to face figuring this out.  I know it will hurt, I know it will exhaust me, I know it's something I need to do but I'm just so damn tired.  Tired of processing change.  I long for the days where I had things figured out and felt like the routine was manageable and good. 

But who longs for a manageable life?  That is a life that is no fun at all.  Where everyday is the same and you know what you have to do to keep the plates spinning.  Where has my sense of adventure gone, my sense of fun?  Living those moments reminds me of a person I once knew that had a future in front of here where everything could happen.  Have I traded the anticipation of the unknown for the mundane?  

I'm in a hurry to get back to routine and expected.  But why?  It's an important question because it means that the life I'm trying to live is the life I think would make me happy.  In thinking deeply about this, I don't know that any of that ever really gave me joy. 

What an opportunity I have in this season of settling in, feeling at home, to rebuild my life with intention.  

I have been asked by many people in life what I want for my future.  From my financial planner, my real estate agent, my boss--practical things that effect my lifestyle and define the resources available to me.  But this things are all material.  I can hold them in my hands.  I own and maintain them.  In that way they end up owning me. 

What I am seeking is being more than middle class, more than successful in the eyes of others.  It isn't about how my home is decorated or if I've kept off that 5 pounds by not snacking on junk food after dinner.  It's more than keeping the plates spinning and the kid involved in all the right activities. 

I'm here. And I don't why.  I'm surviving but I don't know how to live.  To suck the marrow out of life. To embrace all that God has for me.  I still believe what He told me many months ago.  I have a beautiful life for you.  Right now my view is all the pieces of that promised piled on the floor.  I have all the tools but have to wait for the Builder to show me what to do.  Because I've given up my way of living before and followed His lead I know He is faithful.  I know He will come through.  I know He won't let me down.  But waiting for Him to work when I just want to be done with Him working on me and in me is hard.  Yet, the waiting time is the working time.  It's when I'm being changed. 

So here it is.  My dreams as big as the sky wish list of what I feel like a life that lets my heart run free should look like/feel like/be like:

• Different

No list.  I can't even begin to write one.  I have no idea what to say.  It doesn't feel safe to begin to articulate it because I want my life to change but it's scary to see I have no idea what it could look like or what better could be.  

All of this rambling to get back to the place where He always leads me. 

• Trust Me

The life that I want will be shaped by Him.  He is the Archatect that knows me better than I know myself.  His word says that He knit me together inside my mother's womb and that every day of my I've is written in His book.  He is the only one I can trust to create a life of beauty, as I can't trust myself.  I see that I don't even have an idea of what I need.  He is Need-Giver, Dream Show-er.  I must be his daughter Will Wait.